The thoughts of the pregnant woman

Soon after discovering I was pregnant with Derek, I found Pregnant Chicken. This blog is hilarious, insightful, genius, and did I mention hilarious. I never leave a post without laughing.
This one took the cake. There are so many things that are said to pregnant women because for some unknown reason whenever someone sees a baby bump, all filters are automatically shut down. I never understood this. It's worse when someone sees a faux bump like this time.
Here's some insight into what that pregnant woman you're gawking at who's downing that pumpkin spice latte is thinking. Just a hint - stop staring and let me abuse my fetus if I choose and drink my allotted 250 mg of caffeine for the day.
You can find the whole post here.

"Thank you. I'm glowing because I just violently vomited in your bathroom."

People used to tell me that I was "glowing" when I was pregnant and I was too embarrassed to tell them it was due to my near-constant throwing up.  At work, in the car, at the house in a variety of locations, at the preschool, even one particularly memorable time at Five Guys.  By the end of my third pregnancy, my entire family could have cared less if I got up from the dinner table to hurl in the kitchen sink.  They'd be all: "Can you grab the salt shaker while you're in there?"

"I can see that you're wondering if I'm fat or pregnant.  Well, I'm not going to tell you because you did such a bad job hiding the confused look on your face, jackhole."

I have done it myself, asked someone if they're pregnant and it turns out they were not.  I felt like an ass hat but learned a valuable lesson.  The next lesson is don't stare intently at a woman's larger-than-normal belly with a confused look on your face because the thoughts running through your brain are fairly obvious.  In fact, it's pretty much the same thing as asking, "Are you knocked up again or what?"

"I am allowed to have 250 mg of caffeine per day.  If you give me one more dirty look for buying this latte, skinny whore in the black skirt, I will karate punch you in your damn neck."

People have to right to judge an obviously pregnant woman in public if she is doing three things: smoking a cigarette, drinking directly from the bottle of Jack Daniels or committing a violent act that could land her in jail.  Actually... Jail might provide her with some much needed peace and quiet, as well as break from her children and the mountain of laundry that needs folding - so really there are only two reasons to judge a pregnant woman.  If she is having a cup of coffee, could you not treat her like she's committing child abuse?  She is not and you need to mind your own beeswax, Judgey McJudgerson.

"I see you over there, trying to get next to me so you can put your hands on my enormous stomach.  If you touch my belly I will start screaming so loud that you will fall down and dogs from all over down will come running to your prone form.  And I will bray with laughter as they pee on you."

This is a pregnancy classic.  Random people trying to put their hands on you.  No no no.  If I see someone with a peculiarly bulbous forehead, would it be appropriate for me to walk over to them and cup my hand on their face?  It would not.  Would it be OK for me to pet the head of a stranger with particularly shiny hair? No, of course not.  You shouldn't even pet a dog without asking first.  Use your damn manners, people.

"Am I pregnant with twins?  No.  I'm so huge? Am I really? Is this you being nice?  Because I can be nice, too.  I hate your ass face."

Are you really so amazed by my pregnant belly that you have lost your mind completely? What would make you say this to someone?  Is that supposed to make them feel good?  It's much more a reflection of your insensitivity than the actual size of my mid-section.  If some poor woman looks like she just swallowed a watermelon, what is served by saying: "My heavens! You look like you swallowed a watermelon!" No no no. You say: "Please sit down.  May I get you a cool beverage and a Thai spring roll?"

"You know what, older-lady-at-the-grocery-store, I am not having this baby any minute now.  I am having this baby in 8 weeks.  OK?  You smell like Vicks Vapo-Rub and cats, and I want to move away from you before I throw up on your padded nylon ankle boots."

This was another one that drove me crazy.  By the time you're on pregnancy 2+, you look pregnant at about 15 minutes.  You can go ahead and put all your non-maternity pants into one of those big blue Rubbermaid bins or one of the vacuum sealed plastic hoo-haws until your baby is at least 4 months old.  Your boobs and your bump are out and proud and there's nothing you can do about it.  So when someone says something like that to you...  Just smile and try not to harm them.

"You know what? I'm growing a person.  If I want to eat this Big Mac and then eat another you will have nothing to say about it.  As a matter of fact, if you try and keep and keep me from my Big Mac and his step-brother, the refreshing and delicious fountain Coke, I will turn into the Incredible Hulk except with pregnancy hormones, and I will rip off the arms you used to steal my cheeseburger."

While pregnant, I had both food aversions and food cravings.  Mostly it was aversions - everything made me sick.  In fact, though I am not a small person, I did not gain more than 25 pounds during any of my three pregnancies.  Because pretty much everything edible smelled awful to me.  You know what didn't make me sick?  McDonalds.  I might only eat one thing each day that I could keep down and with my son Hawk - that was usually a Big Mac.  But people don't think you're awesome when you eat McDonalds every day instead of organic non-fat cruelty-free chicken wraps from the Whole Foods take-out counter.  But you know what?  You eat what you can eat.  And everyone else can go suck it.

"What. Did. You. Just. Say. To. Me?  That you can barely tell that I'm pregnant?  What the HELL does that even mean?"

I never understood this one.  Is this supposed to be a compliment? The pregnancy equivalent of saying "you look thin".  Are you saying I'm normally fat and bulgy in the middle? Or are you saying that I'm measuring small for my gestational age and there's some sort of heretofor unsuspected problem with my unborn child?  What are you - a doctor? The creepy neighbor lady from Rosemary's Baby? No? Then shut the hell up and if you want to do something useful, go get me a fountain coke or a large sweet tea.

"I could understand if you couldn't take your eyes off my belly, but the jugs you're staring at aren't even mine anymore.  They're like two ginormous, bloated, scalding hot water bottles that cause me constant back pain.  How's that for sexy?"

Just because they're bigger and they're meant to feed a baby, doesn't mean its OK for you to stare at them.  They came to life when I was about 8 weeks pregnant and now these new semi-sentient life forms are attached to my chest and driving me crazy.  Look at my eyes or look at the belly.  The demilitarized zone in between will get you popped in the mouth with my handbag.

Lot's salt shaker

I follow Ra's blog and while I rarely comment, (because I'm a slacker) I love her posts. We recently picked up some clothes from her and I can't wait until winter when Derek can wear them, especially the shoes!
She was inspired by this post by Angie Smith and after reading it, I don't know how anyone wouldn't be inspired. Go read the post, you won't regret it.

"I don't know what you are walking away from tonight, but as I have been praying about what to write the Lord has put this message on my heart so clearly that I had to share it. I want you to know I am praying for you as I write-asking the Lord to remind you tonight that there is a reason you have left that life behind.
It has been swallowed by grace, friend. And you need not miss what He has for you by believing there is something worth going back for. Leave it be. The Lord has told you where to go and it's time to walk. Eyes straight ahead, tangled in the spectacular love of a Savior Who wants nothing less for you than the summit. And as you stare at what might have been, you are immobilized, unable to bring Him the glory He deserves. And also, He might make you salt. Just saying."

I'm awful about this. I tend to look back at the past and think what could have been. What if we could have sold our house? What if Christopher would have loved his police job? What if we had more money? What if Derek didn't have his protein allergy? What if I didn't have a crazy boss? What if I worked closer to home? The list goes on and on. I have to stop.  We all do. We are where we are for a reason. We might not know that reason right now, but that doesn't change the fact that we are there. Love this moment, cherish it, wrap your arms around it and be thankful that you have it.

Being in this moment is a lot better than being a salt shaker.

I won a prize!!

Life has been pretty hectic lately, hence the lack of blogging.

A few weeks ago though, whenever Jess over at Taking It One Step at a Time was revamping her blog, she gave away a slew of prizes. For the first time ever, I won a prize from Tommee Tippee!! I was so ecstatic! There was some mix-up with the vendor and they even threw in some extra freebies. Score!

The initial drawing was for a set of Tommee Tippee Explora Weaning Bowls. In the end they sent me a set of the Weaning Bowls, a set of Truly Spill Proof Sippy Cups, and an Easi-mat. We love it all!
You can easily place the weaning bowls onto the easi-mat and it holds it in place. This is great for Derek as right now his favorite thing is to throw anything on the table onto the floor. The cups really are spill proof and have lived up to being thrown without a spill.

Thanks Jess!